Stress, anxiety, and abiding by my crazy internal clock.   Leave a comment

Well, I missed a posting yesterday 😦  But, I certainly thought about what I was going to write as my day progressed, so although I didn’t actually post, I posted in my own mind.

The day started around 8am when my older son woke up.  It was to be a big day for us.  We were headed out to the country to visit with one of my best friends who was in town (she lives about 8 hours away).  She and her husband have two children and I was able to meet them for the first time – yay!  Beautiful baby girls!

My goal was to leave the house before or around noon so we could spend as much of the day as possible with my friend and her family.  This was a challenge as I had not packed anything yet, both children needed baths, my husband wanted to take care of a couple of small projects first, and we needed to get some lunch on the way.  I figured I could handle all that in a few hours so I got right to work at 8am.  It took FOREVER to get everything done and I’m still wondering why?  My older son and I ate breakfast together and cleaned up, then I gave him a bath, then gave myself a bath, then fed and bathed my younger son.  My husband was able to help a little but was busy with his own projects (making the most of the little bit of time he had off I guess).  By the time I was packed up and ready to go, it was 12:30…ok not too bad but still later than I wanted to be.  Enter:  anxiety and stress!!  For some reason, whenever I am running even the slightest bit late or even have any fear that I may be late, I am anxious, stressed, moody, and sweaty.  It’s not pretty people.  And, unfortunately I take this out on my husband – he’s such a patient man.  I made a good effort in just being ok with the fact that we were not leaving when I wanted to…I mean, we didn’t have to be there at a specific time.  So, off we go.  No sooner had we pulled out of the driveway then my husband tells me we have to do a drive-by of his mom’s house as she is out of town.  Ok, fine, it’s a mile away.  But then we get there and there’s an issue that my husband has to take care of, so that adds an additional 10 minutes to us being later than I wanted.  Grrr.  Then, I realize we need gas – great, another stop.  Then, I realize I’ve left something at home that we need – back to the house.  Then, there’s a problem with my tire that my husband has to fix while we are at the house – another five minutes.  THEN, we go to the drive-thru to get lunch, and it’s lunch time so the drive-thru is wrapped around the building – another 15 minutes added to the trip.  THEN, and finally, my older son tries to get out of his car seat so we have to pull over.  Holy crap.  This is taking FOREVER!!!!  So, two hours after we leave, we make it to the destination that is only 45 minutes away.  My anxiety was through the roof.

You may be thinking I’m nuts because it was supposed to be just a fun trip to visit with friends, but it was more than that for me.  I was already starting to worry about the hell I’m going to get out of the house every day to go to work in a timely manner.  Luckily, I don’t have to punch a time card, but I have several meetings throughout my day and need to be at work around 9am…and my office is 45 minutes away.  So, I’m now FREAKING out about how early I have to get up – can you say early freaking morning for me??  Now, I’m extremely lucky as I have family who watches my children for me and they live extremely close by, but they are family, so dropping off and picking up my children takes a few minutes as they like to visit and talk…which is awesome for normal people, but not for a stressball like me who is so fearful of being late and wants to abide by her own crazy internal clock no matter the consequences.

Anyway, back to getting up early.  I’m not a morning person.  I’m horrible in the mornings…mean even.  I am not nice to my husband and I abhor everyone around me…such a terrible trait.  Luckily I am nice to my children- no need to be a biotch to them, right?  Since it’s back to work in two weeks for me, I’ve made a goal to turn this anger around and not be so grumpy in the morning.  I am working on understanding that it’s all internal and that I’m only causing trouble for myself by being so mean in the mornings.  I need to understand that EVERYONE is tired and in a rush to get where they need to go, not just me.  I’m going to have to get up early and I just need to deal with it.  I need to learn how to prepare the night before.  I need to understand it’s not the end of the world if the kitchen floor isn’t swept before I leave (man that’s going to be tough – remember I’m completely obsessive about a clean house).  If you have any suggestions on what I can do to ease the stress of the morning, that would be great.  Now that gas prices are on the rise, my husband and I have also made a deal to carpool a couple of times per week, but he refuses to carpool with me when I’m so grumpy and I don’t blame him.  And, we NEED to carpool as we both work 45 minutes from home.  We both recognize we can’t carpool every day because we need some time to ourselves, but we need to try as much as possible to save a little bit of money.  So, in the interest of saving money, I have got to be nicer.

I don’t know why I’m so crazy about abiding by my own expectations and internal clock.  Sure, I need to make sure I’m on time for meetings at work and whenever anyone else is counting on me to be somewhere by a certain time, and when I’m answering to others I freak out.  So, why do I have to freak out when I answer to myself too?  I know I’m just causing myself unnecessary stress.

So, in two weeks, I need to start learning the art of preparing at night, and figuring out to get up early, get it all done, and not freak out every minute until I get to work…because I’m only pissing off others around me.  My husband has told me so many times that he hates starting his day to my grumpiness…it ruins the rest of the day for him. Who wants to be a whole day ruiner???  Not me!

All the best,
Someone’s mom

Side note – it’s amazing to me that I cannot stand preparing at night for the next day…I consider myself to be a planner and incredibly organized.  People always tell me how they wish they were more organized like me.  I guess it’s all a facade, huh?




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