Archive for the ‘death’ Tag

My life as a widow flashed before my eyes.   Leave a comment

Normally, I am sad to see Sunday night.  Sunday nights mean that the two days per week I can devote entirely to my family are over.  It means hectic Monday morning is right around the corner.  It means that I have to share my next five days with my colleagues and my family.  I’m always a bit sad on Sundays…but not this one.

This past week was one for the books.  Last weekend, my babies were sick and carried their germs into Monday, meaning I had to stay home with them.  It was so great to be a temporary stay at home mom again.  Tuesday and Wednesday were somewhat crappy days at work as I had to deal with some of my immature team members and their usual pettiness.  Wednesday night, I picked up my children as normal and met my husband at home.  We both pulled into the driveway at the same time, and I started washing bottles and getting the kids’ stuff ready for the next day, and my husband cooked dinner.  We sat down to a yummy dinner of pasta and chicken.  About halfway through the meal, I noticed my husband was eating slowly.  Not a minute after I noticed that, he looked at me and said “I don’t feel right.”  He immediately started sweating and said he was very dizzy.  I looked at him and asked him what he wanted me to do, and with worried eyes, he said “I don’t know.” I knew at that moment something was very wrong.  My husband always knows the answer.  He is always strong, always there.

I ran to find my phone, silently freaking out.  I asked my husband if he wanted me to call 911 and he said he didn’t know.  Then I asked him if he wanted me to call his mom and he said yes.  When she answered, I said “we have a problem.”  My husband told her he was very dizzy and felt sick, and she said she’d be right over.  The plan was to take him to Patient First.

I had already changed into my pajamas earlier that evening, and my sweet husband who always thinks about me, says “Do you want to go and change into regular clothes?”  That was the last thing on my mind.  I did run upstairs to grab my shoes, and when I came back downstairs, my husband had crawled into the bathroom and was violently vomiting.  It was a terrible sight.  By that time, my toddler was crying in the family room (I had to take him out of his high chair during the whole ordeal because he was crying to get out).  My little baby was waking up in his bouncy seat that was perched on top of the dinner table and wanted to nurse.  OMFG, this is a nightmare!

So many thoughts were running through my mind….so many emotions tearing through my heart.  I immediately started thinking the worst.  I asked my husband if his arms or legs hurt, did he have tightness in his chest, did his head hurt, could he see clearly?  I realized I needed to get some bottles out since my mother-in-law was on her way over as she doesn’t know where things are in my kitchen.  She also has a hard time navigating our stairs, so I ran up to the kids’ rooms to grab pjs, diapers, and anything else they would need to camp out in the living room.  I had no idea how the night would go.  Looking back on it now, I can’t believe I remembered to get things out for the kids.  The whole time I was doing that my toddler was crying and my husband was vomiting and complaining of his dizziness.  Once my mother-in-law arrived, I realized I had to run outside and move our truck out of the way (my car would be easier for my husband to get into).  It was pouring down rain, and I had tears pouring down my face.  I was trying to be strong, trying not to worry.  I prayed the entire time I was outside, asking God to please not let this be it for my husband.  I told God I couldn’t do it on my own and asked him to please hear me.

My mother-in-law helped my husband out of the house and into my car.  I drove him to Patient First and talked to him the whole way there.  I was afraid he was going to pass out and I could tell he wanted to go to sleep.  When we arrived at Patient First, I ran inside to get him checked in and ran into my husband’s great aunt and her elderly mother – what a coincidence!  I asked for a wheelchair and I feel like it took the slow ass people at Patient First forever to get out there to my husband.  I will say that they were able to take him almost right away.  I think they were freaked out by how pale he looked when he came in.  Not making us wait forever to be seen is just about the only thing they did right in my opinion.

The nurse took my husband’s blood pressure and and temperature.  His blood pressure was elevated and I started freaking out even more.  She took us back to see the doctor and I explained the whole story to them.  I could tell they thought I was overreacting and freaking out.  I could tell they were annoyed with me.  I’m not sure if the doctor was trying to calm me down or not, but he just didn’t seem to be as concerned as I was.  He did order an EKG for my husband and blood work and I appreciate that.  But, from the beginning of the visit until the end, he kept saying it was probably just vertigo and there’s no need to worry.  When we got the blood work back, my husband’s potassium was low but everything else checked out.  The EKG however was another story.  My husband’s heart rate was 51 bpm, and according to the doctor, that was very low.  I could see the worry on his face and at that point, he did tell us we needed to see our family doctor the next morning and get his heart rate and blood pressure checked out.  I immediately asked a ton of questions.  Is this why he is dizzy?  Could it be a heart attack?  Why is his blood pressure high?  Why his is heart rate low?  Should we go to the ER?  I know the doctor thought I was crazy, but I needed answers and needed them now.

At the end of the visit, the doctor sent us out of there with a prescription for anti-dizziness medication  and said “best of luck.”  I had one more question and asked the nurse to bring the doctor back in one more time.  She was super annoyed about that and so was he.  I asked what could have brought on the extreme sweating my husband was experiencing, and he said he didn’t know.  Comforting.

So, we left and sat in the parking lot for a minute contemplating our next move.  I told my husband I wanted to take him to the ER and he told me he wanted to go back home.  So, I followed his wishes and drove him home.  I helped him inside and my mother-in-law was waiting with the babies.  She had given them milk and was getting them ready for bed.  My husband came in and sat at the kitchen table.  My stomach was hurting terribly (I started feeling sick myself as soon as my husband had initially started feeling bad) and I needed to use the restroom.  I was in there for just a minute when I heard my husband fall to the floor in the kitchen and start vomiting.  Oh my God.  I walked out of the restroom to find him in the floor vomiting into a plastic bag that had a hole in it.  My mother-in-law was grabbing the Clorox Clean Up and my toddler was staring at my husband saying “Uh oh!  Uh oh!”

My husband decided he wanted to lay down on the couch so my mother-in-law helped him and I put my toddler to bed and snuggled him for a second.  I told him that Daddy was going to be ok and that we loved him.  I cried silently for a minute while snuggling my son.  I didn’t want my husband or mom-in-law to hear me in the monitor.  I didn’t believe the doctor at Patient First and still thought something was terribly wrong with my husband.  I honestly believed that it was going to get worse and we’d end up the ER that night.  When I was putting my toddler to bed, thoughts about being a widow kept flashing through my mind.  It made me extremely sad and all I could do was hug my son tighter.  It was such an empty feeling and I hated it.

I came back downstairs and my husband was on the couch and his eyes were closing.  He was still extremely dizzy and nauseous and said the only thing that helped was to close his eyes.  I knew he wanted to sleep but I was so afraid to let him.  I just didn’t know what was going to happen.  I was worried he was going to have a heart attack or brain aneurysm.  My little baby was waking up to nurse and my mom-in-law wanted to go home and take a bath so she could come back over and stay the night.  I told her we would be fine but that I would certainly appreciate it if she could stay over.  I wasn’t used to being the one who took care of everyone including my husband.  Sure, I could take care of the kids during the day while on maternity leave, but I was always comforted by the fact that my husband would be home that night.  My husband is never sick and I never have to take care of him, so I truly felt I needed my mom-in-law here that night.

My mother-in-law went home to take a shower and grab her pjs.  She was gone for about an hour.  My husband slept on the couch and I watched his chest to ensure he was breathing.  I also Googled.  I should not have done that.  I Googled his symptoms and came across everything from an ear infection to impending death.  I was terrified.  When my mom-in-law came back around midnight, she settled in our living room on the couch.  I was so thankful for her at that moment and so comforted by her presence.  My husband woke up and said he wanted to go upstairs to our bed.  I did not think this was smart.  He could barely walk without falling over.  But, he was determined and he made it up the stairs.  He slept in his clothes and complained of being cold.  This worried me even more – he’s never cold.

I put my baby in the co-sleeper and crawled into bed beside my husband.  I was exhausted but I could not sleep. I laid there for hours.  I laid there until my son woke up to eat again.  I Googled some more, and checked to ensure my husband was breathing.  Normally he snores but he didn’t that night, so I watched him breathe.  It was a terrible few hours for me.  My husband woke up about once per hour and whenever he did, I asked how he felt and he said very dizzy and cold.  I was hoping the symptoms would dissipate the more he slept but they did not.

I finally drifted off to sleep around 3am and was back up to nurse my baby at 6am. I woke up to my baby crying and felt a sense of panic as I realized I had been asleep and not checking on my husband.  He was breathing of course and even snoring a bit.  I went downstairs and my mom-in-law was already up.  We talked about the plan for the day.  She was going to take my toddler with her back to her house so I could take my husband to our family doctor as soon as they opened.

My husband woke up not long after and I helped him in the shower.  We got ready and headed out to the family doctor.  We know everyone in the office fairly well and the first thing they all commented on was how tired I looked and how pale my husband was.  One of the staff members is a friend of my mother-in-law and when I told her the whole story and about my husband’s blood pressure and heart rate the night before, I saw the worry take over her face.  I was ready to get to the back so they could check my husband’s vitals.  I was relieved to find out that his levels were close to being back to normal.  Thank the good Lord above.  My husband was still extremely dizzy and unfortunately our family doctor didn’t have any better answers for us than the doctor at Patient First, but I still felt better because we were around people we knew…people who actually cared about our well-being.

My husband was prescribed a patch to wear in addition to his dizziness medication.  His diagnosis:  unexplained vertigo.  It has been a couple of days and he is still very dizzy, but feels better.  He is able to function but not able to drive.  He has helped out with the kids, done his laundry and other chores around the house.  We even attended a birthday party Saturday and had friends and family over for a visit. He says he is getting used to being dizzy and learning how to navigate through it.  Both doctors told us it could last for days.  He goes back for a follow up visit next Monday.  Fingers crossed he is no longer dizzy by then.  I remember having a couple of dizzy spells when I was pregnant, and I couldn’t imagine functioning like that for several hours or days at a time.

Sunday, we were worried that our toddler may have the same issue.  He went to bed very late Saturday night and would not eat a good lunch or dinner Saturday.  He in turn woke up very grumpy on Sunday.  He said he was hungry so we fixed him fruit and a waffle.  He ate very slowly but drank a lot more milk than he normally does.  He was sitting in his high chair and looked very tired.  He kept saying “all done” and “uh oh!”  I got him out of the high chair and he threw up all over me, the dog, and the kitchen floor.  He looked very pale.  My husband and I were so worried that he was dizzy and nauseous.  We sat down with him and after a bit he said he was hungry, so I gave him a couple of snacks and some water and he threw up in the family room.  After cleaning that up, I sat down with my son and he snuggled in my lap and fell asleep.  He was better when he woke up from his nap.  I ran out to the store and bought him some Pedialyte and crackers.  He was better that evening.  He ate a little dinner, took a second nap, and slept through the night.

What a weekend.  I was happy to get back to work Monday.

I tend to freak out and overreact about things, and I honestly thought the worst.  I believed my husband was dying.  I prayed to God and asked him to spare my husband.  I saw my life as a widow.  I thought about all of the things around the house I didn’t know how to do.  I cried thinking my sons would never really get to know their Dad.  I wondered if his family would take care of me.  I worried about how I would make it without my husband, my protector, my best friend.  My heart hurt and my brain was swimming with worry.  It was a terrible feeling.  I’ve never been that worried in my life.  I never want to feel that again.

Unfortunately, I know I will have to feel that again.  There may come a day when the end will be near for my husband, myself, or my sons and we will be fully cognizant of it.  I am so afraid of that day.  I am dreading it.  I do not like to think about death.  I am not ready for it and I do not believe I ever will be.

This experience has been eye-opening for me.  My husband and I need to live healthier lifestyles.  Can you say physicals??  We also need to prepare and ensure our sons are taken care of when we pass away.  Shame on us; we do not have a Will.  And finally, we need to live each day like we are dying.  Who cares if the house is clean?  Why worry about crap that is happening at work when I’m at home with my boys?  My main jobs in life are to be a wife and mother, and I am thankful to be employed 😉

PS – It has taken me a few days to finish this post, and my husband still has vertigo.  He is still breaking out into sweats.  He drove for the first time today and did ok.  He is navigating through this but it is not easy.  Does anyone have any recommendations for us?  We’ve seen two doctors and are not sure what else to do at this point.  There is no explanation, and the meds they gave him are not working…  I kind of need my husband back at 100%…

All the best,

Someone’s mom

Posted April 5, 2011 by Holy crap! I'm someone's mom! in Uncategorized

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It’s a beautiful day.   Leave a comment

It’s so pretty outside in my part of the world. It should be in the 30s and 40s this time of year but right now it is almost 70 degrees. I love it; it makes me ready for spring…and more importantly, summer vacation in the OBX (that’s Outer Banks for all of you on the West Coast). However, as much as warm weather excites me, I don’t want the days to speed by. See, aside from working on my patience, constant worry, and obsession with cleanliness, I’m learning to slow down. We’ve all been there in our childhood and teen years where we wish for nothing more than to be grown ups and on our own. However, it does suck a little when we get here…no more parents to pay the bills! Joking – it doesn’t suck that bad and in fact, it’s really fantastic. Anyway, I’ve learned to slow myself down and am really trying to live in the moment as much as I can. This is hard for me because I’m always looking forward. For example, I can’t wait for the day when my husband and I are debt free…which is a long time from now. We are on a plan to make that happen and it’s a long plan. I keep thinking how awesome it will be when we get there, but then I realize my kids will be starting school then and won’t be my babies anymore, and I’m not ready for that. So, until then, we’ll be in debt and live paycheck to paycheck but enjoy the hell out of our children.

I think I get this trait of always looking forward from my Dad. My Dad is prepared for anything and everything, but mostly his death. He has his funeral plans laid out, his plot is purchased, his Will is in order, his life insurance policies are up to date, and I have copies of all of these things because he insists I am as prepared as he is for his own death. You’d think my Dad is in his 60s or 70s, but no, he just turned 50 not long ago. But, he’s been ready for death as long as I can remember. And, I can’t stand it. It’s so morbid. His mother is the same way…especially since my Grandfather died a few years ago. She always talks about how she’s ready to go, can’t wait for it actually. I can’t stand it and tell them to please stop talking about it. I remind them they are in the current state of LIVING and to enjoy LIFE and make the most of each day. My words are empty of course and they are still on the fast track toward their own deaths no matter what I say, and I feel sad for them. Life is amazing; so amazing in fact that sometimes it hurts me to think about how wonderful it actually is. Sure, there are so many negatives and so many challenges we all face, each different and each so important to us. But, at the end of the day, we have one LIFE to LIVE. One chance to get it right; one opportunity to seize the moment and enjoy it. And, I’m working on doing just that. Sure, we need to be prepared. My husband and I need to have a Will in place and make sure our things are “in order” but I refuse to focus on it and worry about it like my Dad and grandmother. But, for now, I’m going to enjoy my family and live in the NOW.

As I type this, I am listening to my wind chimes on the front porch and feeling the breeze from my open kitchen window (in February!!) sneak around the corner and hit me in the family room. My little one is drifting off for another nap in his swing, and my big little one is napping in his crib. I’m waiting for both to wake up soon and am hoping there will be enough light left in the day to take them for a stroll in the neighborhood.

I sure do love being on maternity leave. I’ve learned so much about my toddler and the little boy he is growing into, and even more about myself this time around. It has been a truly wonderful experience; I can’t believe it’s almost time to go back to work – 2 weeks. Luckily, I enjoy my job, so as much as I’ll miss my beautiful babies, I do not completely dread heading back to work. However, I did tell my husband last night that it sure would be great to only worry about taking care of my boys and the house, instead of worrying about the stress of my job. He said “I completely agree with you.” This is very rare – he NEVER agrees with me. He then said “it sucks to have to worry about stuff that’s not even a part of your life.” I get where he’s coming from – when I’m at work, it’s work and it’s about work. But, I also spend 40 hours per week there, so it’s also kind of part of my life…alas we agree to disagree on that. Anyway, throughout my time at home these past few weeks, I have questioned why I work and have thought many days about how nice it would be to be at stay at home mom and be with my boys every day and that moms who get to do that are so much luckier than me. But over the past week, I’ve learned that I work for my boys. They are my motivation to do well and succeed. I want to provide for them and I want them to learn the importance of hard work. I believe that if you give it your all at work and model yourself after others who are successful, then you too can be successful, no matter what line of business you are in. This is one of the good traits I inherited from my Dad – thanks Dad. He instilled the importance of hard work in me when I turned 16. He “gave” me our older car and said if I wanted to drive it, I needed to get a job to pay for the gas and oil. So, the next day, I packed up my brother and headed to the local amusement park and interviewed on the spot (with my brother in two no less) and started working for a place that became a part of my life for almost 10 years…a place that forded me the opportunity to make wonderful friends, achieve several promotions including the most coveted position at the park at one point, meet my husband, and learn a ton of life lessons (including how to fake it til’ you make it when dealing with the public!). Everything I learned there I have carried with me throughout my career and experiences from that park have been shared in every interview I’ve had since then, and have helped me to land a pretty amazing career. So, thanks Dad; I didn’t see it at the time, but making me go out and get a job as soon as I could proved to be extremely life changing for me.

Oh the randomness of my blog. This is why I love writing. I am free to express myself and choose whatever road I want to go down. I can take a thought and completely steer myself down any path I choose. I love how in a few short paragraphs I started with sharing the weather in my small part of our world to thanking my Dad for sending me off to get a job at 16.

So, now I want to hear from you. Are you on maternity leave? Love it or hate it? Ready to go back to work or about to send in the quitting papers? What did you learn from your first job? Did it change your life? I know mine did, and I plan to instill that same work ethic in my kids.

Enjoy your day in your part of the world – remember to slow down if you can. Why not take a minute and reflect on yourself? Would love to hear from you.

All the best,

Someone’s mom