Archive for the ‘memories’ Tag

A bowl full of mush.   Leave a comment

Goodnight Moon.  A classic.  My older son loves that book.  He loves searching the pages for the moon and balloon, and he laughs every time we say “bowl full of mush.”  It is incredibly cute.

Right now, I feel like my brain is a bowl full of mush.  I’ve been back to work for a week and I can’t decide if I’m happy or sad.  My job is very stressful right now.  In one of my earlier posts I mentioned how I was going back to a mess at work.  It actually hasn’t been as bad as I thought and I’m making headway.  Since I’ve been back, productivity has already increased, but it’s not easy.  At all.

When I’m at work, I miss the boys, but I am happy at work.  I enjoy my colleagues and I feel valuable, important, and like I’m truly making a difference.  When I’m at home, however, I do not miss my work.  Sure, I think about it, but I do not miss it.  Tonight, my husband read my toddler a story as he settled down into his bed, and I sat beside the bed and held his hand.  After the story was over, my husband left the room, and I just sat there with my arm on my son.  He was holding it close with both hands…almost hugging it.  And, I cried.  I miss him.  I miss my sons even when I’m with them.  My brain is so full of all of the details of my life and is working so hard to keep them all in order, that I can’t even focus on my own children when I’m with them.

I keep thinking back to my maternity leave and wondering if I did all that I could to make that a special time for my toddler.  Did he have fun being home with mommy?  Did I give him enough attention and play time?  The other day when I picked the boys up from my mother-in-law’s, my toddler did not want to leave.  He absolutely loves his “dadaddy” and “mamaw.”  He threw a fit when I attempted to put him in the car seat.  He cried and straightened up his whole body so I couldn’t get him in the seat.  I finally had to get his dadaddy to help.  I love that he loves his grandparents and that’s genuinely happy when I leave him there, but I hate it at the same time.  Am I that un-fun? (I realize that’s not a word, but you know what I mean.)

I feel like I’m already losing my toddler.  I know that may sound ridiculous, and it’s a difficult feeling to describe.  He doesn’t need me.  He is perfectly content with his mamaw and dadaddy…or whoever he happens to be around at the time.  In some of my earlier posts I’ve talked about how independent my son is.  He’s truly a special boy.  He’s happy most of the time and loves everyone.  He’s taken to his toddler bed like he’s been sleeping in it his whole life (and he’s only a year and a half – today as a matter of fact).  He says 200 plus words, tells me what he needs and when he needs it, has started potty training, and is all around amazing.  I keep trying to remember what it was like when he was a baby and my brain feels like mush.  I can’t seem to remember the feeling of holding him or what he looked like at certain ages.  Sure, I have pictures, but I am having such a difficult time remembering.  And, it wasn’t that long ago!  I’ve heard other moms talk about how they’ll never forget the feeling of holding each of their children in their arms and all of their first moments.  Why am I struggling with this?

I’m already starting to lose some of the memories of my second son when he was a tiny little baby, and he’s only three months old.  I blame it on work.  I blame it on our fast-paced life.  I blame it on myself.  Part of me wonders if I would feel differently if I were a stay at home mom?  My job is so stressful, but I love the challenge.  But, at the same time, I wonder if I could do without the challenge…and the identity I’ve created for myself at work.  I can’t do without the paycheck, but each day the thought has crossed my mind that I could do without this job.  I get so caught up in it, so caught up in the chores at home, so caught up in other people’s issues, that I am forgetting my memories of my own children.

I’ve been back to work for exactly a week now and my head feels like a bowl full of mush.  I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m stressed, I’m all.over.the.place.  I’m mad at my husband and at myself, and I’m having a tough time understanding why.  Some days on the way home I just drive and stare straight ahead…no radio…no phone.  I try to switch off the work brain, clear my head, and turn on the mommy brain.  My mind swims with the details of it all.  Did I submit the correct report at work? Do we have enough juice for the rest of this week for my toddler? Did I pay the bill for our new mattress? When does my car need oil again? Have we given our baby enough tummy time and when is he supposed to roll over? After I run down the list of questions in my head, then I start to worry that I’ll forget the answers and a detail of my life will be missed.  I’m so fearful of waking up one morning and not having enough juice for my toddler or realizing that I left my pumped breast milk on the counter instead of freezing it…  I honestly believe I spend so much time worrying about the details and am so fearful of missing one, that I’m missing the point of all of this all together.

I’m just not quite sure how to clear my head, get rid of the mush, and focus on what’s most important.  In some of my earlier posts I talk about my nut-job parents, and I’m so fearful of turning into them.  I’ve seem some of their crazy ass traits in myself this past week (temper, OCD, snapping at the people I love, being overly pessimistic) and I need these to go away.  I do not want to end up like my mom…who called me today to let me know my great Uncle passed away but quickly turned the conversation into why my step-dad is being mistreated at work because his colleagues are all idiots.  Really?  Was that really the time to bash perfect strangers?  Please lady, I’ve heard it all from you before.  You think everyone you’ve ever come into contact with in a professional setting is an idiot.  On the other hand, I do not want to end up like my dad who is sad, broke, and alone with just his material possessions that he has perfectly displayed and spaced on the tables in his house (that’s a whole other story).

Any advice for this mom would be much appreciated.  I suppose I just need help clearing my head and setting some priorities.  I need to give up control of some things.  I can’t do it all.  I need to stop worrying that I’ll turn into my parents.  I need to focus.

For now though, I need to sleep.  5am gets here quickly.

So, goodnight comb and goodnight brush, goodnight nobody, goodnight mush!

All the best,

Someone’s mom

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