Archive for the ‘working mom’ Tag

A bowl full of mush.   Leave a comment

Goodnight Moon.  A classic.  My older son loves that book.  He loves searching the pages for the moon and balloon, and he laughs every time we say “bowl full of mush.”  It is incredibly cute.

Right now, I feel like my brain is a bowl full of mush.  I’ve been back to work for a week and I can’t decide if I’m happy or sad.  My job is very stressful right now.  In one of my earlier posts I mentioned how I was going back to a mess at work.  It actually hasn’t been as bad as I thought and I’m making headway.  Since I’ve been back, productivity has already increased, but it’s not easy.  At all.

When I’m at work, I miss the boys, but I am happy at work.  I enjoy my colleagues and I feel valuable, important, and like I’m truly making a difference.  When I’m at home, however, I do not miss my work.  Sure, I think about it, but I do not miss it.  Tonight, my husband read my toddler a story as he settled down into his bed, and I sat beside the bed and held his hand.  After the story was over, my husband left the room, and I just sat there with my arm on my son.  He was holding it close with both hands…almost hugging it.  And, I cried.  I miss him.  I miss my sons even when I’m with them.  My brain is so full of all of the details of my life and is working so hard to keep them all in order, that I can’t even focus on my own children when I’m with them.

I keep thinking back to my maternity leave and wondering if I did all that I could to make that a special time for my toddler.  Did he have fun being home with mommy?  Did I give him enough attention and play time?  The other day when I picked the boys up from my mother-in-law’s, my toddler did not want to leave.  He absolutely loves his “dadaddy” and “mamaw.”  He threw a fit when I attempted to put him in the car seat.  He cried and straightened up his whole body so I couldn’t get him in the seat.  I finally had to get his dadaddy to help.  I love that he loves his grandparents and that’s genuinely happy when I leave him there, but I hate it at the same time.  Am I that un-fun? (I realize that’s not a word, but you know what I mean.)

I feel like I’m already losing my toddler.  I know that may sound ridiculous, and it’s a difficult feeling to describe.  He doesn’t need me.  He is perfectly content with his mamaw and dadaddy…or whoever he happens to be around at the time.  In some of my earlier posts I’ve talked about how independent my son is.  He’s truly a special boy.  He’s happy most of the time and loves everyone.  He’s taken to his toddler bed like he’s been sleeping in it his whole life (and he’s only a year and a half – today as a matter of fact).  He says 200 plus words, tells me what he needs and when he needs it, has started potty training, and is all around amazing.  I keep trying to remember what it was like when he was a baby and my brain feels like mush.  I can’t seem to remember the feeling of holding him or what he looked like at certain ages.  Sure, I have pictures, but I am having such a difficult time remembering.  And, it wasn’t that long ago!  I’ve heard other moms talk about how they’ll never forget the feeling of holding each of their children in their arms and all of their first moments.  Why am I struggling with this?

I’m already starting to lose some of the memories of my second son when he was a tiny little baby, and he’s only three months old.  I blame it on work.  I blame it on our fast-paced life.  I blame it on myself.  Part of me wonders if I would feel differently if I were a stay at home mom?  My job is so stressful, but I love the challenge.  But, at the same time, I wonder if I could do without the challenge…and the identity I’ve created for myself at work.  I can’t do without the paycheck, but each day the thought has crossed my mind that I could do without this job.  I get so caught up in it, so caught up in the chores at home, so caught up in other people’s issues, that I am forgetting my memories of my own children.

I’ve been back to work for exactly a week now and my head feels like a bowl full of mush.  I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m stressed, I’m all.over.the.place.  I’m mad at my husband and at myself, and I’m having a tough time understanding why.  Some days on the way home I just drive and stare straight ahead…no radio…no phone.  I try to switch off the work brain, clear my head, and turn on the mommy brain.  My mind swims with the details of it all.  Did I submit the correct report at work? Do we have enough juice for the rest of this week for my toddler? Did I pay the bill for our new mattress? When does my car need oil again? Have we given our baby enough tummy time and when is he supposed to roll over? After I run down the list of questions in my head, then I start to worry that I’ll forget the answers and a detail of my life will be missed.  I’m so fearful of waking up one morning and not having enough juice for my toddler or realizing that I left my pumped breast milk on the counter instead of freezing it…  I honestly believe I spend so much time worrying about the details and am so fearful of missing one, that I’m missing the point of all of this all together.

I’m just not quite sure how to clear my head, get rid of the mush, and focus on what’s most important.  In some of my earlier posts I talk about my nut-job parents, and I’m so fearful of turning into them.  I’ve seem some of their crazy ass traits in myself this past week (temper, OCD, snapping at the people I love, being overly pessimistic) and I need these to go away.  I do not want to end up like my mom…who called me today to let me know my great Uncle passed away but quickly turned the conversation into why my step-dad is being mistreated at work because his colleagues are all idiots.  Really?  Was that really the time to bash perfect strangers?  Please lady, I’ve heard it all from you before.  You think everyone you’ve ever come into contact with in a professional setting is an idiot.  On the other hand, I do not want to end up like my dad who is sad, broke, and alone with just his material possessions that he has perfectly displayed and spaced on the tables in his house (that’s a whole other story).

Any advice for this mom would be much appreciated.  I suppose I just need help clearing my head and setting some priorities.  I need to give up control of some things.  I can’t do it all.  I need to stop worrying that I’ll turn into my parents.  I need to focus.

For now though, I need to sleep.  5am gets here quickly.

So, goodnight comb and goodnight brush, goodnight nobody, goodnight mush!

All the best,

Someone’s mom

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I made it…barely.   1 comment

Thank you God for Saturday morning…even Friday night was pretty great.  The rest of the week?  I can do without.

I made it through my first week of being a working mom of 2, and I can’t say I enjoyed it.  The morning routine now has an extra hour to hour and a half and a ton of stress for me.  There were two mornings where I had everything packed up for the next day, and those mornings were wonderful.  There were two that I was not prepared, and they sucked ass.

The evenings were just as stressful…one in particular.  On Thursday, we had rain and storms all day here.  We have a dog door because our older dog cannot go long periods of time without using the bathroom.  Our dogs will bark incessantly if left outside, so instead of paying the thousands of dollars to have their voice boxes removed, we chose the less expensive route of the dog door.  I hate it.  We have white carpet…this does not mix well with a dog door and muddy yard.  I am constantly scrubbing the carpet. Resolve is my friend.  You are welcome Reckitt Benckise.

On Thursday, I arrived at my mother-in-law’s after work to find a screaming baby who had barely eaten all day.  That has been the norm this week.  My little baby has not taken to the bottle well at all.  We gave him bottles throughout my maternity leave and he did ok, and we were really hoping he would carry that on when I went back to work.  Not.the.case.  He is barely eating and holding out to nurse.  And this is very frustrating as you can imagine.  I work 45 minutes from my mother in law’s so it’s not like I can run home and nurse him real quick.  I’m sad at work thinking about him struggling and not eating.  And, it’s certainly not easy on my mother-in-law.  She’s tried all types of nipples and bottles and nothing is working.  We had the same issue with my firstborn and it took him about two weeks to figure it out.  So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the same thing with my little baby.

So, back to Thursday.  I arrived at my mother-in-law’s and nursed my baby a little.  She also wanted me to try giving him a bottle…and that only made him more angry.  So, he was screaming, I was hungry, my first son was grumpy because he was hungry, and my mother-in-law’s house was hot as hell and I was sweating.  I was so ready to get out of there.

(Side note – my mother-in-law is currently going through menopause, and some days her house is hot as well and other days cold.  This makes it slightly difficult to dress my children each day.)

Upon arriving to my house on Thursday, I was greeted by a pile of mud on the carpet and in the foyer when I opened the front door.  F-ing great.  My husband was upstairs washing both dogs.  I quickly realized what had happened.  One of our dogs had gone outside during the thunderstorm, rolled in the mud under our deck, and brought it back in…and shook it everywhere.  There was mud on the carpet, all over the kitchen floor and rugs, and on the walls.  So, from 8pm to midnight, we cleaned up mud.  My husband cleaned the dogs and the kitchen and I scrubbed the carpet and the walls.  Somehow we managed to feed our firstborn and get him in the bed, and I nursed my little baby a couple of times and rocked him to sleep.  I finally ate some dinner at midnight – burned popcorn and an old piece of chicken from the refrigerator.  Awesome.

Thursday night made me sad.  It made me hate the dogs, hate the fact that I have to work, and realize that the few very short hours I had with my children that night were wasted on cleaning up the house because my dogs suck.  On top of all that, my little baby has been waking up and throwing up in the middle of the night which means even less sleep for me.  It was a crazy couple of days and in the middle of it all, I didn’t think I had the patience to deal with it any longer.  I can’t describe how angry I was when I saw all the mud in my house.  This is my HOME, not a damn dog house.  But, it’s my fault.  I should have locked them in the house that day.  Lesson learned.

But, work is going ok and I feel valuable and important there.  I miss my little boys tremendously, but I’m a better mom because I work.  Friday night was great.  We played with our sons, made a decent dinner, and I had a couple of glasses of wine.  Both kids slept great.  We had a nice breakfast this morning.  Sure, the house is a bit messy, the yard is starting to need some attention, and I have three to four loads of laundry to do, but that’s life I suppose.

Despite that my past few days were full of ups and downs, I am lucky and I shouldn’t complain.  My heart goes out to all of the people affected by the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  I am sad for their country and I realize that life is precious and I should really not waste my time complaining about shit that doesn’t matter.  This is that whole pessimism thing I inherited from the ‘rents…still trying to choose the optimistic version of myself.  As you can tell, I struggle every day.

More to come this weekend…I missed my blog this week.

All the best,

Someone’s mom

Getting anxious.   4 comments

A common theme in my life is anxiety and worry…I’m pretty sure you can tell by reading some of my posts 😉

Today’s news is all about rising oil prices, falling housing prices, and everything in between. I even heard that it will cost approximately $240,000 to send one child to a public university in 2030.  WTH.  I may throw up.

If you know me, you’ll understand that one of my current obsessions is the price of gas.  I get absolutely PISSED every time I pass a gas station and the price is higher.  I can’t stand it.  I want to get out of my car and throw a large rock at the gas station.  If I ever meet the CEO of BP, I may even throw a rock at him.

I work close to 45 minutes from my home, so I spend a lot of money in gas every month.  It is nearly impossible to try and save money for college or pay off revolving debt when we have to continue to shell out more money each week to fill up our cars.  On top of this, my husband and I are considering a mini-van or SUV in the future, but I have no idea how we’ll be able to fill it up.  My poor husband has to listen to me bitch about the price of gas on a weekly basis.  I feel for him and babe, I’m sorry.  I know that it’s a fixed cost and we have to deal with it.  I understand that it rises due to issues like unrest in the Middle East, market speculators, etc.  I hear all that but I still hate it.  I can still be pissed about it.  I know that my little self being pissed about the situation will not change a thing, but I need to hate it.

I’m always anxious about money….about how much debt we have, about the fact that we do not have much savings, about the fact if either my husband or I lose our job, we are screwed.  I’ve been anxious about money all my life, but it’s even worse now that we have two little fellas who depend on us to provide for them.

I have a plan to get my husband and I out of some of our debt in a couple of years.  If you have more revolving debt than you’d care to mention, check out how to snowball and pay your debt down.  I used a snowball calculator at Whats The Cost.  It’s free and if you set up an account (which is basically your email address), you can save our snowballs and download a csv file so you can save it.  I’ve never received spam or junk mail from them by giving them my email address.  I’m sure there are other snowball websites out there, but this is the first one I found and so far so good.

On another note, I’m anxious about heading back to work in a week and a half.  I’m going to miss my boys so much.  I’ve bonded with my older son and we share breakfast every day.  I’m going to miss my breakfast buddy.  My little baby is a wonderful snuggler, and I’m going to miss our snuggle time during the day.  I’ll be living for the weekends for sure!

My job is great but I’m going back to a mess.  I manage a team of individuals who market a product, and every year for the past four years, my team has exceeded our goals.  This year has been completely different, and my team has missed the mark by a lot.  I used to be in their position, so I know how to do the job and do it well, and I plan to get back in the office and get back to basics with them.  The first time I went out on maternity leave they did just fine, met their goals and made me proud.  Collectively, they were not doing well as a team before I had my second son, and unfortunately have not really recovered while I’ve been out on leave.  So, in addition to getting into the groove of being a working mom of 2, I have to go back and re-train many of my team members on how to do their jobs…or clean house I suppose…which I do not want to do.  Most of my team members are young and are also like my second set of children.  I can’t really remember a day where one of them didn’t come in my office and shut the door to talk about another person or a personal problem of their own.  I love that they are comfortable with me and want my help, but it can be exhausting.  At the end of the day though, thank the good Lord I have a job.  I am lucky and I do realize that.

So, gas prices and my job…two things that are making me anxious today.  But, I’ll deal with it.  That’s what us moms do.  We have our own problems and things that bug us, but our main job is to take care of our little ones and shelter them from the problems facing us and the rest of the world, and that’s what I’m going to do.

Any advice on how a busy, working mom can manage her anxiety would be awesome!

Oh, and my toddler has a horrible case of diaper rash…he evidently pooed two nights ago in the middle of the night and woke up with the reddest booty we’ve ever seen.  We’ve been slathering his little butt with as much Balmex as we can get on it, but it’s not that much better.  We’ve sworn by Balmex with both of our children, but haven’t had to deal a case of diaper rash as bad as this yet.  If you have any secrets that I am not aware of, please send them my way!

Have a great day, and remember to take a few minutes for yourself today!

All the best,
Someone’s mom